Unpacking Self-Sabotage: Why We Hold Ourselves Back and How to Break the Cycle
Self-sabotage touches all of us: we routinely undermine the very things we want most. In Episode 16 of The Intentional Pause, we explore how this sneaky coping mechanism protects us from discomfort, and why shining a light on it is the key to getting out of our own way.
Why It Happens and How It Shows Up
Self-sabotage operates in the friction between our conscious desires and our subconscious programming. We often talk about the fear of failure, but the fear of success can be just as paralyzing. We ask ourselves, “What if I achieve it, but can’t sustain it?” Other times, early life conditioning plants hidden mental blocks. Growing up hearing phrases like “money doesn’t grow on trees” or watching wealthy people behave poorly can create an unconscious belief that success makes you a bad person. Add in self-worth issues, fear of vulnerability, perfectionism, which is really just procrastination in a fancy coat, and our addiction to instant gratification, and you have a perfect recipe for holding yourself back.
In your daily life, self-sabotage rarely announces itself; it creeps in through subtle, everyday habits:
- Procrastination and Resistance: Delaying critical tasks, like when I couldn’t bring myself to touch my PhD dissertation for two months because the sheer volume terrified me.
- Weak Boundaries & Avoidance: Saying “yes” when you should say “no,” or avoiding difficult conversations to prevent conflict.
- Uprooting & Chaos: Constantly changing jobs, locations, or relationships to distract yourself from doing the internal work or using disorganization as an excuse to hold back.
5 Steps to Break the Cycle
Overcoming self-sabotage does not require eliminating fear; it requires developing the self-awareness to pause between a trigger and your habitual response. Here is how you can step out of old patterns and then make a different choice:
- Identify the Trigger: Catch yourself in the act of sabotaging (like procrastinating) and ask: What immediately happened right before this behavior? What was I feeling?
- Get Curious: Instead of berating yourself, ask: What am I trying to avoid or protect myself from right now?
- Challenge the Narrative: Separate fact from story. Where are you forming assumptions or trying to predict an unpredictable future? Focus strictly on what you know for sure.
- Shrink the Action: We reach our goals through micro-steps, not massive leaps. Break your goal down into one tiny, manageable step. If running for an hour seems overwhelming, walk for five minutes.
- Tolerate the Discomfort: Growth requires discomfort. You don’t need to wait for fear to vanish to move forward; you can feel uncomfortable and act anyway.
Your Pause with Purpose Homework
This week, take a purposeful pause to sit with these questions:
- What do you keep saying you want but repeatedly fail to act on?
- What excuses do you repeatedly make, and what are you avoiding?
- What are you afraid might happen if you actually succeed?
- What benefit are you getting from staying exactly where you are?
Once you have your answers, choose one small action that makes you uncomfortable and execute it.
Remember: What you believe about your life becomes true in your life. Sometimes the biggest thing standing between who you are and who you want to become isn’t another person or circumstance; it’s simply a pattern you haven’t paused long enough to notice.
Slow down, give yourself grace, and remember what matters most: always, always you.
Download your 5-Step Framework to Break the Cycle of Self-Sabotage
Contact Chris for Leadership Development, Coaching, or Keynotes!
Listen to The Intentional Pause: YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music | Audible
