Humans tend to have an insatiable need to fill things that are empty. We do it without even realizing it. If our refrigerator is empty, we go to the store to fill it with food.
If we are having a conversation, we fill every inch of the conversation with words to avoid silence. We spend endless hours working to fill our bank account. We fill our need to fit in by having our faces constantly buried in our technology, checking social media. It is a never-ending, unconscious cycle.
Did you ever ask yourself why you feel the need to do all these things? I have. Especially recently. Everything I read, whether I am on Facebook, Instagram, or my email, is telling me how I “should” be filling my time and how I “should” be handling the current situation. (I personally have made it a habit not to “should” on anyone… especially myself.) When we get caught up in the should’s, what we truly want becomes so unclear. We start to compare what we are doing to what everyone else is doing. I will tell you a secret right now…you will never be like someone else. Ever. The only person who you can be best is YOU. The question is…who have you been pretending to be?
A glimpse into my head is scary, but I am going to give you one anyway. The recording in my brain first thing in the morning goes something like this…
I really want to sleep a little later since I don’t have any meetings scheduled this morning…but I have to get up and get some work done. (As I step on the scale…) I hate that my gym is closed! I really need to start working out more at home, or at least walking, before the number on this scale gets any larger. What the heck is wrong with my hair? It looks like someone dropped silver tinsel on my head! I have so many gray hairs! I really should pick up some hair color…but going to the store right now is such a pain in the ass! I’m not going to see anyone today, so I probably don’t need to put on any makeup. But man, the bags under my eyes! I probably should put something on my face in case I see that cute neighbor of mine when I go get the mail later…etc.
Are you getting the picture? Now, I have been doing self-development work for the last 30 years. My self-awareness is at the point where I cannot get away with letting the thoughts above go on for more than a minute or two before I intervene and shift my thinking. If I let these thoughts continue all day, by 9:00 am I would need a Xanax with my coffee. These should’s keep us in a constant loop of focusing on what we think is wrong. All of that conditioning we have accumulated over the years of how we should look, what we should do, how we should think, has made us…well…quite frankly, crazy obsessed with filling our time doing the “right” thing. In all the current madness, we are getting a lot of advice on how to fill our time.
Just for a day, I want you to try something. Try what I call “the George Costanza Method.” For those who are not Seinfeld fans, there is an episode where George does the opposite of everything he would normally do in a day, and he ends up having an amazingly successful day! Do the opposite of what you would typically do, even if it feels uncomfortable. Allow there to be silence while you are spending time with someone, resisting the urge to fill every moment with words. Allow yourself to do what you are being drawn to do, even if that is nothing. If you want to sleep a little longer, sleep a little longer. If you want to spend the day in your pajamas, do it. Resist the urge to fill your time with something that someone else is suggesting you do. Do what you want to do, even if it is just for a day.
Our urge to fill time is a natural instinct. It comes from a fear of lack. A fear of missing out. A fear of someone else doing or having something you do not. Instead of fearing, just live. Breathe. Enjoy your moments. If the time we are going through is teaching us anything, it is that those moments are not guaranteed.
Now, it is time for me to drink some wine and eat some chocolate.
Dr. Chris
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Pause
All of your experiences, every one, bring to the surface the deepest wounds that need to be healed.
Did you ever notice that you seem to experience the same things over and over again? You may be in a different place and with different people, but the situation is the same. Whether it is how you are treated in a relationship, how much money you make or maybe your career choice, you always seem to have the feeling that this has happened to you before. These situations are usually followed by the question, Why does this keep happening to me?”
Our life experiences are the very things for which we came here especially the painful ones. Pain is the signal for us to pay attention. The more pain, the more important the lesson. With each experience you have you are given the chance to learn the lesson that is within the experience. As humans, we were given the ability to choose. At any time you can choose to extract the lesson, leave the experience behind and move on or run from the pain and chose to hide from the lesson. Each time we hide, it is guaranteed the lesson will return, each time bringing more pain to your awareness. This is why we experience the same things over and over again in different forms. They are our lessons disguised.
So what is the secret to moving through an experience and learning the lesson? Pause. Each time you find yourself in a familiar situation, pause and ask yourself, How am I going to handle this situation this time?” Self-awareness is key. Watch yourself. Notice what you do, what you say, who you chose as friends and mates. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Self-awareness is hard work. Changing is sometimes painful. We find ourselves having to release people from our lives that may have been there for a long time; changing the thoughts that we allow to run through our minds and most importantly, changing the way we behave.
Nothing you have done in your life is wrong. Every choice has lead you to become the person you are today. Every person you have met, especially the ones who have caused you the most pain, are your greatest teachers. These teachers are the ones who bring the hurts that need to be healed to the surface so we can see them and choose to change.
Be willing, be open and most importantly pause. Dont just look at your life, look into your life. Watch and take note of your patterns. Patterns that need to be changed are usually followed by a negative emotion. Negative emotions are our clue that we are out of alignment. We have a divine birthright to experience joy. But joy comes with a price and hard work. We must brush off the old debris that holds us back from our authentic selves and step into who we came here to be.
Dont be afraid. Everything is just as it is supposed to be. Just breathe, pray and pause.
Praying for you,
Chris
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Chris Sopa is founder and owner of Chris Sopa International, Inc.