“I just don’t understand why this has happened?” I said in a tearful voice. “This is the first time in my life that I truly do not know what to do.”
The soft and wise voice on the other end of the phone replied, “Chris, God is so interested in you right now, he has made the circumstances of your life such that all that is left to do is trust him. This is not between you and your daughter…this is between you and God.”
That was a conversation I recently had with Sue, a women who came to me in a phone call whom I now call “my angel from God.” Sue is 30 years my senior and 3 years ago found herself facing the same challenge I am today. A good friend referred her my way and she happened to return my phone call at the exact moment I needed her…when I was at an all time low.
For the last 2 months I have been pretty silent on the writing and speaking front. I have always said that God gives me my material through my life experiences and lately, he sure has been delivering! As many of you may already know, my oldest daughter suffers from addiction. After her second time in rehab in February, her and my grandson moved to Arizona to live with me. Shortly after the move, my daughter found herself back in rehab…and I found myself alone taking care of a 6 month old full-time. It has been 2 months now and my daughter will not be home for some time, if ever. So here I find myself, having found independence and running the business of my dreams and all of a sudden the plans changed. For the first time in a long time I looked into my future and it did not seem as if it is going to go as I planned. I planned to be a grandmother…not a mother again. What about my business? What do I do when I need to travel? What about a social life…not to mention dating anyone?
I would love to tell you that when I was faced with the situation of having to raise my grandson alone that I was ecstatic and looking forward to the opportunity…but the truth is, I was angry. My anger existed on many levels; anger at my daughter for the choices she was making and the messes she left behind that I always seemed to (choose) have to clean up; anger at losing my independence and now not being able to do what I wanted when I wanted (after all, I raised my kids already 20 years ago…I paid my dues!); and mostly, I was angry at God…really angry! What about me? What about my plan? Why do I always seem to find myself taking care of other people’s needs and never my own?
The last 2 years have not been a joy ride for me, to say the least. Three words sum up how I feel I have been treated in the last two years… used, cheated and lied to by the people in my life I called friends, family or significant others. I have always believed that the people in our lives mirror back to us lessons we need to learn to move forward, and knowing full well that the pain increases each time until we get the lesson, I knew I was near the end due to the extreme amount of pain I have felt in the last 2 months. So, I finally asked myself, “What is really going on here?” “What is the lesson I am to learn?” “What do I need to let go of to finally heal?”
A friend recently told me that anger is a sign that we have been silent for too long. Having lived my life always aiming to make everyone else happy, I could relate to keeping silent for too long. Years of not speaking up if I disagreed with someone; years of allowing others to walk all over me because of a fear of being alone; years of not telling someone how I really felt because I was afraid of what they would think of me and that I would hurt their feelings…never mind my feelings. I was starting to get it.
Am I healed yet? Not quite. Is the anger gone? Not totally. But here is what I have learned so far:
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says, ‘I’ll try again tomorrow.’” ~Mary Anne Radmacher
Chuggin’ ahead,
Chris
For your FREE copy of Chris Sopa’s 7 Steps to Changing Any Behavior click on the photo below.
Chris Sopa is founder and owner of Chris Sopa International, Inc.