My name is Chris and I am a “fixer.”
I am attracted to people who have problems and think that if I only make them happy, do something different, change myself or sacrifice my time or resources they will change and be happy. Somewhere in my life I felt as if it was my responsibility to make others happy and worse yet, if they were not happy, it was my fault.
Can anyone out there relate to that?
I think many of you can…especially the women out there. Not that men cannot be fixers, but women have a natural tendency to nurture and make people feel better therefore this role of “fixer” tends to stick more with the female gender.
Here is what I have learned (and trust me, I have a lot more learning to do in this area):
So, what to do? How do you overcome the urge to fix? Be aware of the fact that the urge to fix is an urge to control something that is out of your control. You cannot control other people’s behaviors or decisions. The only things under your control are the decisions you make for yourself, your behaviors and your attitudes. Your behaviors and who you choose to be is always the greatest teacher for those around you. People listen more with their eyes than their ears. They watch you. It is our nature. Monkey see, monkey do…remember?
A recovering fixer,
Chris Sopa is founder and owner of Chris Sopa International, Inc. You can learn more about her at www.ChrisSopa.com. Find her at Facebook.com/ChrisSopaInternational, Twitter @ChrisSopa, LinkedIn, and Google+.Worrying is a Form of Prayer
“One cannot weep for the entire world. It is beyond human strength. One must choose.” ~Jean Anouilh
Ok, hands up if you would label yourself a “control freak?” Its ok, my hand is up too.
Here is the thing about us control freaks…we worry. Worry about money, worry about our kids, worry about our friends, worry about the poor innocent ant we just accidentally stepped on and whether we are going to go to heaven now…we just worry. And if there is nothing to worry about, self-sabotage kicks in and we subconsciously create a drama so there is something to worry about. I know, it sounds sick when you actually say it out loud. But it’s true.
Why is it that we believe that by thinking and worrying about something incessantly it is going to solve the problem? It’s like we believe there is a little clock in the heavens that measures the amount of time we think about something and go over and over it in our minds and if we do that enough, Whamo!, the answer will appear and all will be good in the world again. Wrong! We are made of energy and so is everything around us. Our thoughts are a form of energy. When we think about something, whether it is a good thing or a bad thing, we are giving energy to “that thing.” Since the universe’s language is energy, it picks up the signal of what we are thinking about most (our worry) and thinks that is what we want more of, since we are thinking about it so much, so it makes it so. Worrying is a form of prayer. Prayer is simply the process of giving our thoughts to God. What thoughts have you been giving to God lately? Are they of gratitude for what you do have in your life or are they worrisome thoughts of why things are not how you want them to be? God is a kind God; at least that is my belief. Nothing happens in this world, even if you perceive it as “bad,” that is out of alignment with God’s highest plan for you. Sometimes it is those things that tear us down that eventually are the catalyst that builds us back up later.
Lately, my personal struggle has been worrying about my 20 year old daughter. She is 6 months pregnant and let’s just say “lost” at the moment. My first instinct…to worry about her. My second instinct…to jump in and “save” her by fixing it all for her so she is happy. But, what makes me think if her situation is “fixed” she would be happy? Is that true? I don’t know God’s plan for her. Only God knows that.
Let’s take Lazarus as an example. Jesus loved Lazarus like a brother and did not want him to die. When Jesus found out Lazarus was sick and dying, he did not intervene by running to Lazarus’ side, shoving raw food and vitamins down his throat and making him drink water to flush out his system…he left town as planned. He did not only leave town, he stayed away for 2 days. Was that hard for Jesus? I would guess it was agonizing. But, Jesus knew his Father had a plan for Lazarus and he did not want to interfere with that plan, even if it would make him feel better…even if it meant he had to watch his friend suffer. “Love one another as I have loved you”…that was the plan.
God never leaves our side during suffering…he and his angels are always there. We must learn to step out of the way and allow him to do his work. We need to stop playing God by thinking we know what is best for those around us. Just because it makes us feel better and would be what we would do, does not necessarily mean it is best for those we love.
Sometimes we must love from a distance, watch those we love fall and simply be the hand that comes in to help them pick up the pieces when it is all over.
Worrying never solved anything…
“Though we would love to run and catch them, we have to let the people we love stumble and fall. In this way, they can get back up, and without any nudging from us, go on to choose the best path for them into their Father’s arms.”
~Allia Zobel Nolan, “The Worrywart’s Prayer Book”
Praying a different way,
Chris Sopa is founder and owner of Chris Sopa International, Inc. You can learn more about her at www.ChrisSopa.com. Find her at Facebook.com/ChrisSopaInternational, Twitter @ChrisSopa, LinkedIn, and Google+.I’m About To Lose Control…And I Think I Like It!!
“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” ~Neale Donald Walsch
Ok…I admit it…I used to be a HUGE control freak! Those of you who know me are probably saying, “What do you mean USED to be!?” but I have come a long, long way! My stomach used to literally be in knots (which caused me to acquire a severe condition of chronic ulcerative colitis) trying to predict the outcome of everything…what would happen, what people would think or say, what each minute of my day needed to look like, etc. I spent every minute of my life trying to plan and control it. Sounds fun, doesn’t it?
At the age of 32 I literally almost died from trying so hard to control my life. Ironic, isn’t it, that how God got my attention was through a disease that I couldn’t control? What better way to learn the lesson of letting go than that! When I was recovering from my illness, I had to learn who I was again because I had lost myself somewhere in the hustle and bustle of my “controlled” world. I had to learn to trust the process of life and most of all trust myself…my feelings AND my thinking. I needed to let go of worry…especially worrying about what others thought of me. And most of all, I had to learn to forgive myself for my mistakes…past AND future. I re-defined “mistakes” in my mind to “learning experiences” and a chance for a “do over.” I stopped beating myself up for past misgivings and re-committed to doing the best I could in the future, making different choices. I knew I wouldn’t be perfect but I did know that if I was coming from a good place in my heart I would be giving each situation in my life the best and that was all I could ask for.
I now live my life in a way that most people think is “risky.” Do I take risks? Sure. (Like moving my entire life 3000 miles across the country!) But what I have learned is that each new day brings new and beautiful miracles with it. If I allow myself to “go with the flow” of life; whether it is a day I am super energized and in a good mood or a day I am tired, cranky and feeling sorry for myself (that was yesterday! Lol!), I find that everything I desire and need falls at my feet. I stay present and try not to future or past think…I actually try not to think AT ALL! I trust that no matter what happens, good or bad, it is for a Divine purpose and is ultimately for my highest good. I let go of the oars of life and let the natural flow of the stream of life take me where it knows I need to be. And most of all…I BELIEVE that what I desire, no matter what it is, is already here. I feel it with every bone in my body and live like I already have it. If we want to manifest in our lives those things we want so desperately, we have to be “vibrating” (which translates to where your attention and thoughts are mostly) on the same level as what we want or it will never come in. Most of the time we are vibrating to the tune of what we don’t want and then wonder why those things always show up!
Take some time today to let go of the oars of your life. Allow life to turn the page for you instead of needing to have your hand in it to control it. Take a breath and focus on only those things you want in your life and watch how life then steers you right toward them…no questions asked. Every prayer is answered…we are just not in control of how or in what form the answer shows up. Trust!
“You can’t get to happily ever after without turning the page.” ~Doug Kirchhofer
Letting life turn my page,
For more information on Chris Sopa International, Inc. go to www.ChrisSopa.com.